telling

Yesterday I read a news report about a woman who frequented alternative parenting sites. Her husband is on trial for murdering one of their adopted children. She apparently knew about the crime - her other children witnessed it - and actively helped hide the murder. They buried the boy in their basement and continued to collect benefits in his name.

How was the murder hidden from authorities? How did this family mask their murderous rage well enough to adopt children in the first place? Why didn't the neighbors, the community, the state, and the online support network notice the spiraling violence, and the actual disapearance of a child? This family was not in hiding. They lived in a neighborhood, they registered as homeschoolers, and the mother actively communicated with a parenting support group. Yet somehow, all of the people who were privy to the emotional state of the family allowed this crime to happen. Or if the community can't be held morally accountable for the crime, the question can still be raised: why didn't anyone notice that it had happened?

My first reaction was despair for the child, and for the siblings who witnessed the death scene. Then I started to sift the facts and match them to the people who once used my discussion boards. I thought of at least six known individuals who fit the emotional profile. Luckily, none seemed to fit the geography or specifics of the case.

Throughout the five years I maintained an online community, I encountered truly astonishing examples of nurturing, assistance, activism, and support. I know that the site helped many people get the help they needed to improve their own lives, whether as a source of entertainment, information and advice, an escape route from bad situations, or a path to true love. Online communities can be intensely helpful and good for the participants.

But as the administrator I also saw the dark side of the endeavor. I had to deal with the stalkers pursuing victims, the hateful in-fighting, the community members who truly needed professional services to deal with their mental health issues. I listened to death and kidnapping threats. I had to deal with law enforcement on numerous occasions when crimes were admitted or discussed on the site.

I was forced to evaluate sensitive situations, family secrets, and decide whether or not to act in real-life when the facts admitted might put someone in real peril. I observed with sadness as people with borderline personality disorders or more serious illnesses demanded and received attention for dramatic bad behavior and high drama, then demanded and received lavish support for their antics. The abusive behavior of a few people routinely damaged the experience for the rest of the group.

Originally I allowed anonymous posting on my site, with the hope that people would be able to seek support more easily if they didn't have to state a name. One woman admitted she abused her children. I was horrified but could not act because I didn't know the identity of the author. Much later, when I realized who it was, I would have turned her in. But I didn't know where she lived. In real life, if it had been a neighbor or friend, I would have dialed child protective services without a second thought. But with an identity masked by technology (narrowed in that case by IP address to the largest provider in the region, and no further) it was tragically impossible. When she realized that I knew her secret, she didn't leave the discussion boards; she started a campaign of slander against me.

I shut down the discussion boards for many reasons, most economic, but the complexity of the ethical challenges were punishing. I could not continue to provide a service that cultivated a culture of support for people who needed to seek professional services. It was beyond my skills, and beyond what is possible in voluntary online communities, to act in a conscientious and mindful way. I felt personal responsibility, and I could not keep the women, and by extenstion the children, safe. It was not beneficial or wise to keep the boards open, so I shut them down.

I have been called judgmental, harsh, and reckless, but in my life there is very little room for self-deception and no room at all for collective lies. I tell the truth. I call people out. If I know that an injustice has been done, I rectify the situation or remove myself from danger. When kids are involved my perspective sharpens drastically. I would never let poor parenting pass unmentioned, whether the source was a colleague, friend, or family member. To think that so many children are suffering and even dying gives me a visceral pain, a profound and real physical ache.

I hope the children who survive growing up in that household and witnessing a murder find someone, anyone, to be their advocates, to be on their side, to reward them for telling the truth.

Posted by Bee at December 10, 2002 09:40 AM